Although I’ve not seen the TV series before, I’m pretty sure I’ve got the measure of the A-Team. A kitsch, cartoon-esque rendering of a band of rebellious soldiers who are both misunderstood and haplessly effective at aiding those in need.

Despite having not seen the 80s version, my judgement on the 2010 film was clear.

It is not a good one, and it’s plan does NOT ‘come together’.

The most overriding aspect of this misjudged and badly put together feature length re-make is the script and delivery. Almost every line was uttered with the knowing anticipation of a group of actors painfully aware that they’re participating in a potentially important re-hash of an old classic. One-liners hung in the air like overly rehearsed advert punch lines.

I get it, I know it’s not meant to be serious or sincere, but it’s surely not meant to be self-aware tripe that must fail to appease both nostalgia hunting fans who saw the A-Team in the 80s, and 24 year old action comedy seekers out on a first date in an ill-advised relationship that’ll last approximately 19 days. It lands somewhere between The Fast and the Furious and American Pie. Terrible yet clearly expensive action sequences, reluctantly broken up by dialogue that seems to have been penned more as an annoying necessity rather than an integral, illuminating spine.

It seems to have been done as part of that contrived quest for nostalgia our society loves so much – where it’s fashionable to discuss how culture and its icons aren’t as good or as poignant anymore. Much better to look back on the things you once watched, or the stuff your parents told you to indulge in.

In a bid to keep the franchise fresh, the makers have updated the context and storyline – the result of years of planning and mulling things over. Iraq and 100 dollar printing plates is the setting of the team’s bravery this time. However, instead of creating something interesting or unique, a bog standard action film with crowbarred comedy is the result.

They couldn’t even get the most important bit right. Quinton ‘Rampage’ Jackson is an MMA fighter and actor in befitting roles, so, you might think, he’d be perfect for the iconically large and monosyllabic B.A Baracus. Think again. With such a momentous yet simple act to follow, he manages to fail – delivering his lines as if he was auditioning for a parody Mr T doll audio job.

The elite army team is imprisoned for a crime they did not commit and they escape to set out to clear their name. The only thing they clear is any association with fond nostalgia and quality, inimitable television.

Verdict: 2/5