If Clive Tyldesley lived inside your nipple, you can’t even begin to imagine the embarrassing possibilities when you’re trying to get all romantic with a hot babe. It’s a little known affliction that effects 0.001% of the population and the consequences are devastating.

Most sufferers are too embarrassed to even talk about it openly in public, so they suffer in silence. Well they would suffer in silence if it wasn’t for the constant drone of Clive Tyldesley’s voice coming from your nipple. And as for Andy Gray in your minge. Well…